Monday, December 31, 2012

Hearts and Truth . . .

mixed media journal page, 12/2012

Spending 2 weeks on the couch sick pummeled me into a breakdown of sorts.  When you have had cancer a simple cold or headache is no longer simple.  It begs you to question the reasons behind any and all aches and pains no matter how simple they may seem.  You begin to wonder if your body is hiding something behind the scenes.  You don't realize that just like anyone else you can get the common cold or flu for that matter.  

So the first day I was sick my headache pain threw me into a crying fit which caused tons of emotional stuff to fly from my lips.  Lou had just walked in the door to find me on the couch crying in pain.  I am sure he did not expect my rant.  Through my tears I rambled on about how I try so hard to stay well, taking a billion daily supplements, drinking green juice, trying to avoid sugar, trying to meditate, all in an attempt to prevent canser from ever coming back.  (yes I know I spelled it wrong, I do that on purpose to take away some of the power in the word)  I realized I am physically and emotionally exhausted from trying so hard.  I can't do it anymore.  I am worn out which is probably how I got sick in the first place.  Too much mental stress.  All of this brings me back to the belief in something bigger. As yet another member of my family was diagnosed with canser the survivors guilt (always waiting in the wings) creeps back in with a vengence.  And along with it comes its close friend, fear.  There has to be a big book somewhere with all the answers, most we are not meant to know.  Like how long our time here will be.  

My word for 2012 was "fearless"and I have failed miserably living up to it this year.  So as we are on the verge of beginning a new year I am not going to choose a word this time.  Instead I think I will try my hardest to focus on living in the moment, not in the past, or even looking too far into the future.  I want to laugh more, love more, find more peace, and spend my days creating with color.  

Thanks for your friendship, your sharing, and your support.  I look forward to more of these lovely connections in the new year!!

I wish for all of us an amazing year full of precious moments!!



  1. To my "fearless" friend. Sending you the best the universe has to offer. Health, love, and joy.
    Marching fearlessly into 2013


  2. Honey, we may never be fearless, but we can be TOUGH!
    And here am I, with a Dx that is, well, who knows, and not enough sense to worry about things I should.
    I guess I have always toughed things out to the extreme that I ignore things I should pay attention to (as my Dr's nurse reminded me, not so gently, but lovingly!).
    Live in the moment Sweetie.....wring it dry of all the good possible, enjoy making art, love your Hubby, give thanks.
    And know there are others of us who totally understand the *F* word.
    (no....not the really BAD one, the OTHER one!)


  3. Very well said Cathy!!! I'm so OVER all this "canser" stuff. I lost yet another wonderful friend on Friday to brain/lung canser!!! It's so overwelming sometimes, I just want to run away, but there is nowhere to go!!! I wish you and Lou a very Happy, Healthy New Year and maybe in 2013 we can "meet up" in NYC if Scott and I get to planning a trip for the summer!! Much love to you!!

  4. We are on the same page for this year, Cathy!! Sending you an e-mail... Love, Silke

  5. I'm so sorry you are sick, Cathy ... and that it threw you into a tailspin about what you've done and not done. I think you are an amazing artist and a talented writer (were did the stories go?). I know this crying fit well, although my reasons are different.

    I hope this new year, 2013, brings you more laughing, more loving, and more peace and creativity.

    Sending healing thoughts your way, my friend.

  6. Oh my've had so much to deal with Cathy...I had no idea! Your post was very moving & heartfelt & I hope 2013 is so much better than 2012. I have to say I LOVE the mis-spelling of the work canser & your thought process there! This journal page is amazingly beautiful! I also have to thank you for your VERY kind comments on my new painting ventures. You were such a boost to my ego! Hugs to you! xo Diane