mixed media journal page, 12/2012
Spending 2 weeks on the couch sick pummeled me into a breakdown of sorts. When you have had cancer a simple cold or headache is no longer simple. It begs you to question the reasons behind any and all aches and pains no matter how simple they may seem. You begin to wonder if your body is hiding something behind the scenes. You don't realize that just like anyone else you can get the common cold or flu for that matter.
So the first day I was sick my headache pain threw me into a crying fit which caused tons of emotional stuff to fly from my lips. Lou had just walked in the door to find me on the couch crying in pain. I am sure he did not expect my rant. Through my tears I rambled on about how I try so hard to stay well, taking a billion daily supplements, drinking green juice, trying to avoid sugar, trying to meditate, all in an attempt to prevent canser from ever coming back. (yes I know I spelled it wrong, I do that on purpose to take away some of the power in the word) I realized I am physically and emotionally exhausted from trying so hard. I can't do it anymore. I am worn out which is probably how I got sick in the first place. Too much mental stress. All of this brings me back to the belief in something bigger. As yet another member of my family was diagnosed with canser the survivors guilt (always waiting in the wings) creeps back in with a vengence. And along with it comes its close friend, fear. There has to be a big book somewhere with all the answers, most we are not meant to know. Like how long our time here will be.
My word for 2012 was "fearless"and I have failed miserably living up to it this year. So as we are on the verge of beginning a new year I am not going to choose a word this time. Instead I think I will try my hardest to focus on living in the moment, not in the past, or even looking too far into the future. I want to laugh more, love more, find more peace, and spend my days creating with color.
Thanks for your friendship, your sharing, and your support. I look forward to more of these lovely connections in the new year!!
I wish for all of us an amazing year full of precious moments!!